


out of everyone, everyone else

by cobblestaubrey



Series: c'est la vie [6]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Break Up, F/F, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobblestaubrey/pseuds/cobblestaubrey
Summary: "Her eyes dip into each and every crease, following each recess and indent, accentuated by the shadows caused from the sharp bone of her jaw or collar. She’s beyond captivating, but it’s less about her, and more about what she’s not.She’s nothing like Jackie."They can fall apart now, or fall apart later. Why does it matter when?
Relationships: Crystal Methyd/Jan Sport (one-sided), Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: c'est la vie [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979863
Comments: 18
Kudos: 20





	out of everyone, everyone else

**Author's Note:**

> The song lyric this story is named after is not released, yet. I heard the song in a TikTok by the lead singer of Wrenn, and the lyrics stuck with me. https://twitter.com/WRENN/status/1330211119982661633 here's a link to the TikTok on their Twitter.
> 
> I don't know how I wrote this in one night or why I keep writing stories but I'm on a serious kick and it's making it impossible to do anything else LOL
> 
> Again, the speed of me making these fics is worrying is me and making me think they're gonna be shit but I'm checking over them more than I ever do, so idk?? Enjoy!

She’s something else. Jan has never been able to tolerate apathy in any form, but there’s something undeniably attractive about being mellowed out in a way that left the other girl’s forehead unwrinkled and her clothes unironed. Her skin is dusted faintly in gold, yet her hair is red, fighting against itself. 

Jan's eyes dip into each and every crease, following each recess and indent, accentuated by the shadows caused from the sharp bone of her jaw or collar. She’s beyond captivating, but it’s less about her, and more about what she’s not.

She’s nothing like Jackie.

Jackie, her girlfriend of almost a year, is a cage in the ocean. It’s beautiful down there, of course, but Jan needs to breathe, and she _can’t_.

Crystal is the sun above, warming just the tips of Jan’s fingers, begging her to reach out of her cage and touch the surface.

The redhead sits lazily against the wall in the library, staring out of the massive, glass windows into the overbearing view of small town roads and local shops. Her notebook is open on her lap, but little is written in it from what Jan can see. 

Subtlety has never been Jan’s strong suit, so her eyes are wide and unassuming when Crystal finally looks over and catches her, a faint blush painted onto the blonde’s cheeks. 

Crystal would never say anything, right?

Jan racks her brain, letting her eyebrows furrow as she tries to remember if Jackie and Crystal are as close as she remembers. They share friends of friends, but Jackie never mentions Crystal past mentioning her and Rock’s own general hesistance. 

_“Rock’s pissed,” Jackie said back in June, a hint of amusement in her voice. “I mean, Crystal is fine, but poor Rock, you know?”_

_Jan nodded, but didn’t really agree at all. Nicky wasn’t Rock’s, and you can’t help who you fall for._

_You can’t,_ Jan thinks to herself, watching Crystal grow closer.

She’s got that adorable, lopsided smile, and is taller by just a few inches, and _single_ , and it all makes her heart beat against her rib cage, playing her bones until the sound reaches her throat, getting caught. 

“Hey,” Crystal's voice is gentle and low, but the mirth in her eyes is fleeting fast. “I’d be careful about that staring.” 

This is the first time Crystal notices, but it's only been a week since Jan started staring. She knows how to be cautious.

She weighs her options, rolling her eyes inwardly and giving Crystal a sweet simper. She pushes the textbook in front of her further into her table so she can rest her elbow on it, letting her eyes drag from the bright, rainbow belt Crystal has on, to the freckles on her nose, finally meeting the taller girl’s gaze. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Crystal quirks her lips to the side, looking decidedly reprimanding. “You think you’re cute, yeah?” 

Something about the situation makes Jan giggle, hiding it behind her hand. “Stop…” 

Crystal tilts her head to the side for a moment, before turning to take in her surroundings. No one else is really looking at them from what Jan can see. Jackie isn’t due to be here for another two minutes.

“Seriously,” Crystal speaks again, even quieter, but not as soft. “Don’t.” 

Jan licks her lips, before swallowing thickly. “You’re not gonna tell Jackie, are you?”

Crystal scoffs, shaking her head and looking - disgusted? “Not my business.” She turns away swiftly, just in time for Jan to see Jackie through the glass doors of the library. She’s matched her hijab with her shirt today - which means she woke up extra early to look nice, Jan knows that by now.

The girl is anything but suave, and her gangly limbs take her towards Jan in a less than timely fashion. “Hey, love.” Jackie gives her a tired smile and a kiss on the crown of her head, and suddenly everything Jan had been avoiding hits her full speed. “You okay?” Jackie asks, tilting her head. Her eyes are wide, a deep brown that bleeds into the pupil, and it’s hauntingly familiar, yet all too foreign. 

“Yeah,” Jan tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, staring down at her textbook. “‘M just tired.”

“Okay.” The smile Jackie gives her - all soft and understanding - burns her eyes, feeling the tears building up under the surface.

She looks down to her phone instead, figuring that distracting herself is all she can do. It feels like she’s oceans away from Jackie, now, but it doesn’t feel as isolating as it should.

 _Jan  
_ _[7:13 AM]  
_ _what does it mean when u start thinking about someone who isnt ur girlfriend ?_

 _Brita  
_ _[7:15 AM]  
_ _u shouldn’t have a gf_

 _Jan  
_ _[7:16 AM]  
_ _o_

 _Jan  
_ _[7:17 AM]  
_ _am i a bad person_

Jan taps the side of her thigh, waiting for Brita to reply. Her three dots pop up and disappear again and again, making Jan bite her lip. 

_Brita  
_ _[7:19 AM]  
_ _are u gonna act on it_

 _Jan  
_ _[7:20 AM]  
_ _of course not... yet_

_Jan  
[7:21 AM]  
we had like a moment today_

_Brita  
_ _[7:22 AM]  
_ _nothings wrong with looking_

_Brita  
[7:23 AM]  
just dont get caught _

Somehow, Brita’s pep talk doesn’t make her feel better, so she tucks her phone away in her pocket in time with the first bell.

“Come on, pretty lady,” Jackie grins, holding out her hand for Jan to hold. “We’ve got Calc.”

“Yipee,” Jan sends her a smile back, feeling that tug at her heart strings, but this one is a bit higher, the vibration tickling her heart. The taller girl looks so goofy, always awake so early in the morning. 

Jan spends the rest of the morning fooling around with Jackie in Calculus, until the next bell rings and they part ways. Jackie leaves her with a peck on the lips, and it tastes like the same lip balm she wore every day. 

Once upon a time, Jan tasted it for the first time, moaning against Jackie’s mouth.

_“My parents aren’t home,” Jan husked against Jackie’s lips, lowering her hands to toy with the hem of Jackie’s shirt._

The images engulf Jan’s vision. Jackie’s clothes on Jan’s floor, the brunette’s long, curly locks cascading down her shoulder. Jan sees Jackie’s hair rarely - its magnificent, but she never asked to see it. She waited, letting Jackie know how beautiful it was in the moment, tugging on it, running her fingers through it. She could remember the feeling of her own body laying directly against the other girl’s, with more skin against skin than ever before.

Then, she spots Crystal across the hall, digging into her locker. Papers upon papers fall out, littered all over the floor, yet Crystal still hasn’t found what she’s looking for. 

It makes Jan laugh, and before she knows it, she starts picturing what Crystal would look like on her lilac sheets. All of the beauty marks that trail down her neck, wondering how far down they go, her short nails pressing against Jan’s back. 

Jan shivers, instinctively pressing her thighs together. She lets out a shaky breath, lowering her head and pulling on the straps of her backpack.

She hightails it to her next class, feeling like a fearful freshman again, but knowing that nothing will ever be as simple. Getting through the doors of her next class feels like making it to home base, so she finally breathes again, trying to let things go as well as she can.

History has never been her strong suit, so she tries listening to the teacher as well as she can. She can’t fail another test, not after Jackie helped her study for so long, but it’s hard with the whispers. At first, they barely make it to her desk, but suddenly she hears her name, and her heart rate picks up. The professor’s voice fades out as each student's voice grows louder, telling her that they know something they shouldn't. 

She doesn’t hear her name again, but she can taste it in her mouth, bitter and bloody. 

* * *

She can’t punch the wall. Her mother will ask questions, she’ll probably have to pay for the damages, and she’ll break her hand. 

She can’t punch the fucking wall, not tonight. She’s not the one who should be in more pain.

Jackie looks down at her phone, staring at the text Rock had sent her, along with the screenshots. The fucking screenshots. Gigi sent it, too, of course she did, but Jackie refuses to look. She cried on Gigi’s floor enough.

 _Rock  
_ _[3:23 PM]  
_ _this is so fucked but you gotta see this_

_Two attachments._

Brita fucking Havea is the bane of Jackie’s existence, but she suddenly wants nothing more than to be in a room with her, just to tell her exactly how she feels in the moment.

Because the screenshots of Brita’s conversation with Jan have flooded the private messages of almost half of their grade, and that conversation is now in Jackie’s own phone.

Her fingers flex, before clenching, and then let go. Everything hurts, her breathing is ragged, her head is spinning, and she isn’t sure if she’s going to throw up or scream. She tugs at the hem of her shirt, and then the edge of her hijab, feeling suffocated by her own clothing. Her irritation turns into anger, too, fueling her as she makes circles around her room. 

She’s stomping like a toddler. In fear of alerting her mother, she pulls up a playlist that Rock had sent to her months ago, while they basked in one of their last days of summer. 

_Rock shrugged, pasting the link into her message line. “I swear this is good, I even got your shit artists in there.”_

_While watching the Spotify application open on her phone, Jackie laughed and poked Rock on her shoulder. “You can’t judge.”_

_Rock mock gasped, placing her hand on her chest. “That’s low.”_

_“Shut up,” is what she snarked back, still smiling._

Jackie had always wondered why the playlist was named what it was named, but the nausea building in her stomach, and the rage slamming against her throat tells her she gets it, now.

She hits shuffle, letting the music splatter the room in strings, basses, and drums. Her backpack is open, with all of her books and notebooks on display, begging her to take them out and throw them across the room. 

Every picture of Jan is looking down at her at once, laughing with disgust. 

How can Jackie be such a dumb _fuck_ , they say, how can Jackie actually believe that Jan loves her? 

“She does,” Jackie grits out, bending over to lay her head on her bed. “She does love me.”

But the voices in her head bite back, telling her no.

Jackie’s anger is fed by the growl of the bass behind her, with every high-hat and cymbal crash. The song playing could have been written by her, carved into slate, as every stroke is another slash into her heart. 

Her phone lights up, and she can just barely see the picture of her and Jan behind the notification. Several emojis tell her it’s Jan who’s texting her, giving her that terrible, painful pang of anxiety that shoots through her heart.

 _Jan  
_ _[3:47 PM]  
_ _can we meet?_

Can they _meet_? 

“No the fuck we can not,” Jackie answers no one, her jaw clenched unbelievably tight, letting her shaky fingers respond for her.

 _Jackie  
_ _[3:49 PM]  
_ _No._

 _Jan  
_ _[3:50]  
_ _jackie…_

In an hour or two, Jackie will know what she’s doing is childish, embarrassing, and downright pathetic, but she’s so angry and heartbroken. The walls become blue faster than they should, like a bad dream she’ll wake up from eventually, but her vision is clear despite her tears, and her head hurts too much to be her imagination.

 _Jackie  
_ _[3:52 PM]  
_ _I’m not meeting you anywhere._

 _Jackie  
_ _[3:52 PM]  
_ _There’s nothing to talk about._

 _Jan  
_ _[3:54 PM]  
_ _don’t make me do this over text_

She can hear Jan pleading, because she knows the sound of Jan’s voice more than her own voice. Jan has whispered in her ear, telling her she loves her, has sung Jackie to sleep, has laughed so obnoxiously it made Jackie laugh along. 

She knows Jan inside and out. Who else? Who else can there be?

 _Jackie  
_ _[3:55 PM]  
_ _There’s nothing to do._

 _Jan  
_ _[3:57 PM]  
_ _things arent the same.._

The second the three dots begin appearing again, Jackie turns and whips her phone against her bed as hard as she can. The thud it makes is far too muffled to satiate her, but she’s not _that_ irrational. She waits, biting her nails, listening to the wind knock against her window. The walls grow closer to her, pushing her towards her phone, but she doesn't touch it. It'll sting.

Her phone finally buzzes again, minutes later. She knows, deep down, that as soon as she picks it up, it’s over.

Still, she reaches down, turning the phone over in her hands. The _iMessage_ application opens immediately as her thumb meets the home button, giving her no time to prepare for the fall.

 _Jan  
_ _[4:02 PM]  
_ _i know you saw the texts and im so sorry jackie but its all true and i cant pretend its not. i love u but im not in love with u anymore and i just dont think were meant to be together. im sorry. youre gonna be so happy one day with someone but that someone isnt going to be me. im so sorry._

She reads over the text again and again, wondering why Jan never has the decency to type like an adult and not a thirteen year old girl, even now. 

Nothing’s holding her back, anymore. 

_Jackie  
_ _[4:05 PM]  
_ _Fuck you._

Jackie blocks her in a few swift movements, praying to whatever God there is that things really do get worse before they get better.

She throws her phone behind her again, and this time it lands somewhere on her hardwood floor. There’s no smashing sound, so she’s sure it’s fine, but she doesn’t really give a fuck right now. Her pillow becomes all she can see, until her face is printed in it, cutting off just a bit of her air flow. Crystal, Jan - both of their faces are stuck in her head, figuring Jan’s already off to go fuck the redhead. 

The pillow begins wetting her face, after having soaked up a drum of her tears. She feels so fucking broken, it’s like something deep inside of her has collapsed. The rug has really been pulled.

Sure, things weren’t the best they had been, but Jackie honestly never thought Jan would leave her for someone else.

Now, she thinks, Jan is the exact kind of person to do that. 

_Jan doesn’t know what she wants, Jan does everything impulsively, Jan always wants the next, best thing,_ a nasally voice mocks in her head, and she’s not sure whether to laugh or defend her girlfriend - her _ex_ -girlfriend.

In the end, she just doesn’t respond.

Rock calls an hour later, because Jackie still hasn’t responded to her text. The ringtone cuts off her music, letting Jackie finally hear the way her breath starts and stops as she exhales. It loosens the tension within her body, so she answers, trying her best to not let that subdued anger become more tears.

“Hello?” she chokes out, flipping over finally, letting herself breath. Her nose is stuffy, but the air feels good, even if it burns. 

“I will come over right now if you need me to,” Rock instantly says, leaving no time for Jackie to have to think.

She nods against her pillow, because she’s just not strong enough right now, or safe enough alone, trying to swallow the thickness in her throat. “ _Please_.”

“On it.” 

Rock hangs up, and the music starts back up again. This time, it comes back with a vengeance, but she’s not angry anymore. The music only amplifies the bruising sorrow that has laid itself on her body, weighing her down. She breaks completely, letting her sobs echo around her room with the music, her stomach bottoming out. She refrains, just barely, from ruining her sheets, but choking it down doesn’t feel so great, either. 

She hopes Rock gets there soon. There's still a voice in her head, asking her how much longer she can really stay afloat.

* * *

For the first time in a year, Jan is alone in the library minutes before the bell rings. 

Her last apology never delivered to Jackie, and the thought has been sinking slowly into her stomach since she realized it, and all through the morning. Her mother drove her to school at her request, but never asked a question about what had gotten Jan so down. 

She's alone. 

She looks over at Crystal, who is at the same spot she always is, with her doc martens leaving marks all over the overhang that sits against the wall. 

Jan forgoes her things, standing up to push herself towards Crystal. Jackie is long gone, now, but the hand around her throat is still there, pushing her under, even when her cage is open. Her legs tingle with each step, and her thoughts begin to drift, wondering how fast she can make her hallway daydream from yesterday come true.

“Hey,” Jan says softly, waiting for Crystal to remove her earbuds. She moves her foot forward, poking the muscle of Crystal’s leg slightly. 

Crystal flinches, tugging out her earbuds and looking up at Jan. “Huh? What?”

Jan digs the toe of her shoe into the carpet, looking out the window towards wherever Crystal had been staring. She only sees the parking lot, full of mostly empty cars owned by the richest seniors. Jan still takes the bus, but she doesn’t mind, because it gives her more time to think about herself than the road.

“I’m single now.”

Nothing happens, except for a subtle twitch of Crystal’s left eyebrow, which has a newly made slit. It’s sort of hot, Jan muses, while waiting for Crystal to respond.

“Um…” 

“Look,” Jan starts up immediately, “I know that you’re friends, or whatever, with Jackie, and you just broke up with Nicky or whatever, but I don’t care about any of that.” Jan tries to reach forward, placing her hand on Crystal’s shoulder, but the redhead pulls away, looking as confused as ever.

“No, no…” Crystal’s chuckling nervously, refusing to meet Jan’s eyes.

“Why not?” 

She doesn’t want to look so petulant, but she just gave up Jackie for Crystal. The least Crystal can do is be receptive to her advances.

“Because… I’m not into you?” Crystal says, as though it’s obvious, and it sort of pisses Jan off. 

“Why _not_?” she asks again. 

The redhead pulls back again, despite Jan not touching her, and sounds almost angry. “Dude, I don’t know? The fuck aren’t you into Jackie?” The words bite her, leaving Jan painfully reprimanded. 

Jan is at a loss for words. “You don’t have to be so...”

“Yeah I do,” Crystal rolls her eyes, filling in the blanks. “‘Cause girls like you never take the hint.” 

“ _You_ flirted with _me._ "

She wasn't delusional. That’s what everyone else always called her.

Except Jackie.

Oh, fuck.

Crystal continues on. “I was just talking to you.”

A lot of things hit Jan at once, like how she gave up a girl who genuinely loved her for a girl who didn’t give a shit about her, who she fantasized about once for a day, and ruined her own reputation by being such a bitch to her own girlfriend behind her back. 

“Fuck you,” is all she can spit out, before she turns away, her skin heating up with all the eyes on her. She grabs her things, throwing herself out of those library doors so harshly, just barely hearing the library monitor yelling something at her. 

Things feel so horrifically _Twilight-Zone_ -ish, that it scares Jan. Some things are the same, though, like Jan’s first period class, which she shares with Jackie.

Of-fucking-course she does.

She trudges there, feeling the rocks in her shoes and the holes in her heart.

 _She who has a heart of glass should not throw stones_ , she thinks bitterly, wondering what Jackie will be doing when she walks into class. Will she have moved across the room, or stay in her seat, staring at Jan, making her feel worse than she already does?

She walks in, scanning the room subtly, before she realizes something stupidly profound.

For the first time since Jan has known her, Jackie isn’t in class.

Heidi is at the other corner of the classroom - she's a close friend of Rock’s, she knows that at least - looking between Jan and her friend. From what she can hear, Jackie isn’t _anywhere_ in the building.

Jackie's skipping class. 

She closes her eyes, trying to make the voices go away. They don't, they never do, she should be wiser. She should be stronger.

The guilt finally drips down her skin, like the cold sweats she had when she awoke in the early morning. It’s not like she didn’t feel guilty the whole time, but the guilt was ingrown, racking against her body below the surface, kicking and screaming. Now, as it comes forward, she realizes all too late that her body has been beaten senseless. She feels absolutely sick.

For a moment, she regrets it all. For just a slim, _slim_ moment, all she wants to do is leave her class and find Jackie and tell her she loves her, and that she takes it all back. That they can be happy again, together. 

Then, she doesn’t regret it at all. She was slipping ever so slightly out of Jackie’s grasp for months, and Crystal just happened to be that final tug, even if the redhead didn’t catch Jan when she fell. 

It doesn’t matter anymore. 

It doesn’t matter.

**Author's Note:**

> What goes up must come down, but sometimes things bounce back up, too. 
> 
> Comment if you'd like, I love comments LOL
> 
> I love Jan so much but I absolutely despise Jan in this story. Darn.


End file.
